Straight or Bi?

"There isn't a percentage cut-off that proves you are Bi" they said. "You don't have to be equally attracted to men and women... 80% one way or the other, is still Bi... if that is how you want to identify."

What!? Wait.. what!? My brain scrambled for a few moments and flashed through some thoughts.

I'm (pretty darn) straight though:
Most of my life I have been attracted to men- romantically, physically, emotionally.
All of my relationship agreements and "loverships" are with men.
I even had a "men's circle" for my birthday, where my favorite 7 men surrounded me in love and affection.

But...
Some of my favorite play party experiences have been with couples where I get to play with a woman.
I'm starting to include more women in my inner circle and have a desire for a women's circle for one of my future birthdays.
One time, I was invited to travel with a girl "friend" who wanted to explore a physical connection while we were together- something I have only explored with men.
I recently went out with a girl "friend" where we held hands and had a quick goodbye kiss and would absolutely consider "dating" a woman.

When people have asked me how I identify, I've said "Definitely straight," then lately "Mostly straight- 95%," and then even more recently, "Pretty Straight- like 80%". I asked myself why..

1. It benefits me to "be straight" or "mostly straight"; Power is often held in the hands of men and "acting straight" gives me more direct access to power and resources.

2. It's easier; I know “how to be” and am “good at”, my straightness. I am definitely in the shallow end when it comes to women. Asking a girl out, trying to understand what is going on in her head.. kind of like a foreign language.

3. I have a gay twin sister and part of me feels like she is the "real-real" and I'm just an imposter; Having an extremely lesbian twin, I was like "nope, not me, definitely on the other side of things." I never considered that I could be more in the middle.

4. I'm kind of afraid of backlash. Am I using these terms correctly? Am I offending someone in the LGBTQ community (like, in this post for example)? There is so much insider language and communication that I am ignorant of.

5. I'm not a fan of labels; I don't like boxes to begin with, but I recognize that without choosing "Bi" (or another non-hetero) label, then the normative label of "hetero" will be placed on me anyways (as a subconscious lens from others as well as myself).

6. I feel pressure to choose; There is a story in my head, that to be "legitimate," I have to choose one way or the other.

7. I feel pressure to "get it right"- There is a story in my head that I have to find the label that will always be true for me (as if, it can't change or evolve- which is usually how things go for me).

I like looking at these “stories” because that is all they are, stories.

The truth is, it is all my choice. Or, as the speaker put it “You are Bi, if that is how you want to identify."

I get to explore and express my identity when and how I want to.

I don't need to “prove” my identity to anyone.

My identity can change over time, or stay the same.

Because It's my choice, my exploration, my expression, and my identity.

And it just might be.. Bi.