Navigating Responsive Desire
You may be familiar with “Spontenous Desire,” the desire that, like a lightning bolt, strikes out of nowhere and we are turned on. Those days where you are walking down the street, randomly think a sexy thought, and Boom, you are ready to go. This is the type of desire we commonly see in movies.
Another type of desire is “Responsive Desire,” the desire that emerges in response to a context that is conducive to pleasure that is happening right now. Imagine sitting in a bubble bath, listening to your favorite music. You become enveloped by the music and you start touching your body lightly. Your phone is off, stress is low, your body is feeling good, and desire arises, not randomly as before, but in response to a context that continues to feel good.
Many people have both or either types of desire and both are completely normal. I, however, most often fall into the category of Responsive Desire type.
Here are just a few ways that you can utilize this desire style if you, too, have Responsive Desire.
Create contexts that work For YOU (create the night that will turn YOU on and invite your partner into that)
Let your partner know what contexts work for you so they help co-create those contexts with you
Take as much care of your physical and emotional needs before sexy time, so that your body can feel as safe and stress-free as possible, allowing you to open into the present moment
Reflect on your other turn-offs (sex educators call these your brakes), so you can do your best to mitigate them as well.
Inform your partner of your desire-style and let them know what that means For YOU
*Some people with this desire style find that their partner may “go too fast” or “be too goal-oriented” for them to allow their desire to arise naturally. For those individuals, I suggest an addition:
Choose to play with people that you trust; People that are comfortable with the context that works for you, can be flexible with pacing, are available for play at differing levels of desire, and maybe even taking penetration or other sexual goals “off the table”!
Differing desires styles is totally normal and totally navigable!
It is being able to own your style and then co-create with a willing partner that will change the game..
